Parenting: Positive Praise vs Empty Praise

Praising our kids is an essential part of building their self esteem - so it is worth thinking about in a little more depth.
Children are a lot smarter and more perceptive than we realize, so one important part of praise is that it must be HONEST. If you praise your child for a piece of homework that you don't really feel is very good, he will pick up from your tone of voice or your body language that you don't mean it. Save your praise for when you can give it fully and honestly.

Kids don't have the experience that we have and misunderstandings are easy to create. So praise that is SPECIFIC will help your child more than generalizations. Saying that you appreciated your child's help with the chores will mean more to him if you say exactly which bits of what he did were so helpful.
Children have a different perception of time than do adults. Praise is best served warm! When you see your child doing something great - tell him so as soon as you can, and keep your praise TIMELY. On the flip side, beware of giving constant praise when there is no reason for it. Your child will be more motivated if your praise is associated with genuine effort on his part, rather than appearing at random intervals no matter what he does.
Why not watch yourself as you praise your child today and see if you are managing to make your praise:

• Honest
• Specific
• Timely

For more positive parenting tips come and see us at KidsGoals and sign up for the free newsletter. You don't want to miss the June issue :)

Where did the time go?

When I tried growing a garden for the first time I discovered two things about gardening pretty quickly. One, I am not a gardener and two if you let the weeds get out of control they will soon take over your garden. It is pretty easy to use that analogy when it comes to thoughts too. If you keep letting the negative ones in they will choke out the positive ones PDQ. It is not so much that negative thoughts have that much power as they are quite low on the energy scale but enough of them piled up day after day it becomes harder and harder to get through the weeds to the flowers. By flowers I mean the good stuff, the wonderful things about you and your life.

I had to learn that the hard way and try and teach that to my children on a daily basis so that they won't have to wait until they are in their forties to have the same AHA moment.

Apologies on anyone who reads our blogs and has noticed a bit of a lag since the last one. No excuses just life gets the best of you at times and all the good intentions of blogging on a daily basis kind of go to the wayside. Actually for 2007 Cassie and I were pretty good about keeping up on the blogs so I am not going to say too much about this year. We all do what we can and sometimes a break is needed.

Happy Goal Setting,

Monicka

What our children should know and not know.

We have to understand that as parents it is imperative to keep some things from our children, for one thing it is not necessary to tell them about any financial difficulties as this will weigh heavy on their mind. There are ways to explain to a child that now is not the best time to purchase something that they may desire because the money needs to be used for something that is of a higher priority. By doing this you are still explaining to your child that the funds are a little low without using negative words like we are too poor or cannot afford this. This sends a very profound message to your children and may cause them to worry when it is not necessary.

I was brought up to believe that how you say something is much more important than what you say and sometimes it is best to say nothing at all if it will cause sleepless nights for your child.

Happy Parenting

Nurturing Your Child's Passion

After watching the movie "Miss Potter" it got me thinking about how unlikely it would have been for her to continue with her wonderful stories and illustrations had she not at least had the support of one parent. Her Mother never accepted that her daughter was truly talented, but her Father encouraged her every step of the way and delighted in her amazing imagination.


It is very important that we as parents and caregivers help our children discover their talents. Watch your children when they are at play and pay attention to what excites them. Every child is born with something that they excel at. It may be an artistic ability or perfect pitch or even the gift of the gab. Whatever it is, it imperative that you support your child and guide him so he can realize it's and his full potential.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Fake laughter is good medicine too.

I had mentioned a few posts back about my experience with the self development workshop that I went to. I learned so much about myself and was also taught many tools to use in the everyday world to keep myself on track. One of my favourite was a laughing exercise that you can use when you wake up on the wrong side of the bed and works great for your kids too when they wake up with the grumpies.

The instructor said to make a habit when you get up in the morning of looking in the mirror and then making yourself laugh for three full minutes using a time of some kind. The term "fake it till you make it" works really well here because there is scientific evidence that your brain does not know the difference between a fake laugh and a real laugh. The same feel good endorphins are released and the same muscles are exercised and the even if the laughter is not genuine your brain and your body still gets the positive benefits.

Try this with your kids and it will not take long for you both to get into a happier mood. Laughter is not only good medicine, it is also contagious and just watching someone else have a good belly laugh can get you laughing and joining in on the fun.

Make time for your children

Christmas is a special time for families and a time for all of us to appreciate all the wonderful things in our lives. Not the material things but more the things that you cannot find in a store. This is the first year in a long time that I get to share
Christmas with my eldest daughter and that is the best Christmas present anyone could have ever given me.

Our children grow up so fast and I look at my almost 24 year old daughter and remember her as a little baby and now she is a grown adult who will one day have children of her own. My youngest will be eleven in a few days and I know that he too will one day become an adult, so I am going to treasure every day that he is still my little boy. Think of this the next time your child comes to you and wants you to spend time with him and you are busy doing something and tell him you will play with him later. Put everything else aside and make time for him. Nothing else will ever be as important as those special moments that you share with your child.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Make a memory

My son tends to get croup as soon as the weather starts to get cold and damp. As a consequence he sometimes misses a bit of school. Last week he was sick and he missed some school, so when he returned three days later he had a bit of catching up to do. His teacher gave him quite a bit of homework to do over the weekend and I was very proud of him when he completed at least half of his assignments on Friday night. Saturday he took the day off with my blessing and then worked on his homework most of Sunday afternoon and evening. At around 10 PM he said he was finished and he got his pajamas on and got ready for bed.

At around 11:00 he came into the living room looking very upset and told me that he had forgotten to do something and it was due on Monday. Now I could have become very upset and gave him a lecture about not leaving things till the last minute but instead I told him to go get my laptop and we both cuddled on the couch and started doing some research on Ecuador as his assigment was to write a report on how the people of this country celebrated Christmas, as well as provide other interesting facts about the country.

I have to tell you we spent about an hour working on his project and it turned out to be a really nice experience for the both of us. Mother and son spent some quality time bonding, not to mention we both learned a lot about another culture. When he had finally finished his report he gave me a huge hug and a kiss on my cheek and thanked me for helping him to complete his work.

Our children grow up so quickly and as much as we want them to know there are consequences when we they don't do the things they are supposed to, there are also times when it is OK to bend a little. I could have sent my son to bed and made him get up early to finish his report, but then we never would have had such a lovely time together.

Try and spend quality time with your children as much as possible, the greatest gift you can ever give them is your time.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Kids and decisions, continued from Wednesday's Blog

Just a quick update from Wednesday's blog about helping your kids to make decisions. I had a chat with my daughter Savannah about making a decision one way or the other if she was going to continue with her singing lessons or if she was going to quit. I told her once she made the decision she would have to stand by it and I wanted it written down and signed.

Lo and behold she made a final decision Thursday night and I have every faith in her that she is going to stand by it. She wrote it out in her own words and the gist of it was she was going to continue with her lesson and would show up every Friday unless she lost her voice or was really sick. She also said she would not miss any recitals and she signed and dated it.

I think when we give kids a chance to make an decision and give them a few days to think about it and also a deadline on when they have to decide. This gives them time to think about the pros and cons and then to make an informed decision knowing full well the consequences if there are any. Giving my daughter time had the outcome I had hoped. She thought it through and realized how much she would be missing if she gave up on her singing. Not to mention, people would not get to see for themselves what an incredible voice she has.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Helping your kids to make decisions.

My husband, God love him, has a terrible time making decisions. If there are more than two choices of toothpaste at the store, he will spend at least half an hour reading labels to find the one that does the job. Going shoe shopping with him is a nightmare and I will no longer accompany him on those kinds of shopping trips. I know that his parents made all his decisions for him when he was a child and so now he really does not have the tools needed to make quick decisions.

Because I know how important it is for my kids to learn decision making skills I have always allowed my children to make their own choices. If they make a choice on their own and it is something I do not agree with, I will say so and suggest something similar but much more appropriate. They still get to make the initial decision but sometimes they need a little help. Case in point, my daughter, who has Asperger's, has to decide if she is going to continue with her singing lessons. I know that she is very talented and I would really like her to continue, but the last few times she has been a little ambivelant on whether she will turn up for her lessons. If she has a bad day or is a bit tired she will refuse to go and no amount of cajoling or threatening on my part will change her mind. So I have decided to let her choose and as long as she knows the consequences if she chooses not to continue, I will support her decision. If however she chooses to go she is going to have to put a lot more time into her practices and she will have to go to every lesson and recital unless she is ill of course. When she makes the decision she is going to have to sign a contract with herself and stand by it. While this may sound a little harsh, with my daughter, it is the only way.

I think kids need to also know that their decisions may affect other people. When my daughter doesn't show for her lesson it is a waste of time for her teacher who has to drive quite a distance and this time of year the roads are not the best. She also has to understand that I paid for the lesson in advance and the money is non-refundable, so that is pretty much money out the window.

If you make your kids understand that the decisions they make may affect other people and may have consequences you are giving them the facts that they may need to make an informed decision. While having your children choose what they would like for lunch or what colour socks will match their outfit may seem a bit trivial to you and sometimes it is just easier to choose for them, you need to know that these small choices will increase your child's confidence and self-esteem, while helping to hone their decision making skills, so they will be able to make better decisions when it really counts.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Let your kids work it out.

I have blogged many times about my daughter,Savannah, who has Asperger's. She is a typical 16- year- old who just wants to make friends and fit in with everyone else, but because of this disorder social interactions are quite difficult for her. With the help of her speech language pathologist, she was introduced to a girl who was also having problems making friends, and they really hit it off. They had arranged a sleepover on Saturday and seemed to be getting along pretty well until late evening when the girl announced that she didn't want to stay any longer and wanted to go home. We tried to get a hold of her Mother to no avail and my husband even drove her home but she didn't have a key so he brought her back to our house. I felt really bad for her because I could tell she was quite anxious and I did not have a clue what happened to cause this problem. My daughter didn't want to talk about it and so I was totally in the dark. Finally I suggested that they talk about it and try and sort things out, but the girl said when she got upset she tended to stutter and so I recommended that one them use my laptop and the other one use the family computer, and chat on msn. They agreed to try that and I decided to leave them to it and go to bed. About an hour later I heard them laughing and they seemed to be having a great time. The girl's Mother came to pick her up after all, but she left in good spirits and the girls even made plans to play badminton together this Tuesday.

Sometimes we need to let our kids work things out on their own. I tried my best to get my daughter and her friend to talk about things, but that was pretty much all I could do. They both refused to talk to me and so my hands were basically tied. By leaving them alone and giving them some privacy they were able to actually work it out, first on msn through instant messaging and then a bit later, they actually spoke to each other and talked about the conflict they were having. I am still not sure what the problem was as neither one would tell me anything but the bottom line is they worked it out and without my intervention. I have learned a great lesson from this and know that when problems crop up in the future I am going to give my kids a bit of time to sort it out for themselves.

We love our kids and hate to see them hurt, so it is only natural that we want to solve their problems for them. In doing this our children do not learn to develop problem solving skills. If we give our kids the time and space to work it out on their own, more times than not they will come up with a solution. If the problem is so serious that they cannot handle it on their own, they know that they can come to us for love and support. Now isn't that what positive parenting is all about? : -)

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Helping Your Kids Deal With Failure and Disappointment

We as parents and caregivers always want the best for our children. We try to protect them from the hurts of life, both physically as well as emotionally. Unfortunately we can not protect them 24/7 and sooner or later they are going to have to learn how to deal with failure and disappointment. The most important thing that you can do is be honest with your children. It is not a good idea to say they are the best at something if they are not, because sooner or later someone else is going set them straight,and not in a nice way. You may think that you are helping your children to build their self esteem by stretching the truth but it is only going to hurt them in the long run.

A better way is to teach your kids how to handle failure and disappointment. Lead by example, show your children that you have times when you sometimes fail, and you also get discouraged when things do not always work out as you had planned, but you don't make a huge deal about it. It is much better to to say it is too bad that didn't work out but, if I can honestly say I did my best, then that is all I can expect from myself, no more, no less.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Keeping your kids positive

Did you know that a UCLA study showed that the average one- year -old child hears the word no over 400 times a day. As a parent we tend to ask for what we don't want and since scientists that study the brain have discovered that our brains our unable to process a negative command, If you tell your kids not to do something in order for them to process what they are not supposed to do that have to first think about doing what they are not supposed to do before they can understand how not to do it. I am sure there is an easier way to explain that statement , but I am sure you get the gist of it... Ask for what you do want not what you don't want.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Positive parenting - positive talk

For positive parenting, the words we use with our children play a big part in shaping their attitudes, their thoughts and their lives.

Children are so vulnerable that even without realizing it we can damage them by using negative words and phrases.

It's easy to fall into the habit of using a really negative word when a gentler alternative is possible.

Here are some ideas to help you use positive talk with your children: Positive Parenting Talk

Happy parenting,

Cassie

Children and Language

It's commonly accepted that young children learn languages - foreign ones as well as their native language! - more easily than adults.

But did you know that studies have shown that children under the age of five actually have a strong disposition to learning by sounds - in preference to visual learning?

Says Vladimir Sloutsky, professor in Cognitive Science at Ohio University, "Adults generally prefer visual information if they have the choice. But if you want to get the attention of young children, sounds are generally more effective than pictures if the sounds and pictures have equal interest."

Happy talking with your children!

Cassie

Spend Time With Your Kids

Spending time with your kids doesn't have to be a big deal. You don't have to spend a lot of money or do anything out of the ordinary. Kids love to be with you and even if it is just for half an hour a day, you have to remember it is quality not quantity that really counts. Try sitting down with them and talking about their day when they get home from school. or cuddle up and read a book or watch a program they enjoy.

Show them that you are really interested in being with them and never do it out of guilt because they will read you like a book. By showing your child you actually enjoy being with them and they count you are giving them a big boost to their self esteem and showing them that they have value.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Summer Stresses for Parents

Summer should be a leisurely stress free time, but more than likely this is not the case for many parents. Having children home for the summer holidays with no free time for themselves is a recipe for disaster and many Moms and Dads can reach the breaking point if they can't find constructive ways to alleviate some of the stress they are feeling. Please check out the following article for great ideas on how to manage your stress level.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Thank You to all you wonderful parents out there

I was so sad today, out and about in Milton Keynes, to keep seeing and hearing people yelling at their kids and treating them rudely - even swearing. :(

It's particularly heartbreaking as someone who has struggled to come to terms with infertility for many years ... it really makes one appreciate what a huge blessing children are to those that are privileged enough to have them.

So today I wanted to thank all of YOU, the wonderful parents who read our blog and subscribe to our parenting newsletter, because you are the ones who are loving and caring about your kids, bringing up the next generation of kind and thoughtful people, and that is the one thing that give me hope for our world.

THANK YOU, WONDERFUL PARENTS!

Cyberhugs,

Cassie

Positive thinking for kids

By being more positive (planting flowers) yourself you can give your children a wonderful gift. Teach them that even if they are having a difficult day they can turn their negative thinking (weeds) around just by looking for all the things in their life to be grateful about (flowers).

For some ideas on how to incorporate positive thinking in your kids' lives, see Monicka's article Planting Flowers

Happy parenting!

Cassie

Metaphors for success

Appreciating metaphors is something that grows as we age. Small toddlers, or older children with autism spectrum conditions, may find metaphors completely incomprehensible.

Rather than letting your kids just pick up lots of negative metaphors, like for instance "life is an uphill struggle," or "money doesn't grow on trees," why not make a game of playing with positive and empowering metaphors. If your kids don't understand metaphors yet, they may find the simplest ones hilarious. If they are more sophisticated then you can discuss more advanced metaphors or play games to see who can come up with the funniest (positive) metaphors.

How about:

"Life is a piece of cake - chocolate cake!"

"A good idea is like a seed - plant it and it will grow into a mighty tree or a beautiful flower."

"Life is a bed of roses."

I'm sure you and your kids can think of loads more empowering metaphors to enrich both your conversations and your life!

Happy parenting

Cassie

The Joy of Cleaning????

Happy Wednesday Everyone

Yesterday was my birthday and my children being the loving little souls that they are, decided that they would do a few chores for Mom without grumbling as part of my birthday gift. I watched as they eagerly walked the dog without being asked, and a few other household duties that they would normally do if asked three or four times; but there would always be a lot of complaining and they would take their sweet time completing them. Funny how when they did it out of love it was a whole different story.

How then do we get our children to be responsible? Chores are something that all children need to learn to do in order to become well-rounded adults. It is unthinkable to send them off into the world when they don't even know how to do their own laundry or cook a simple meal. So by not teaching them and doing it for them, we are doing them a great disservice.

Today I am going to try a new tactic. Both my children are on spring break for the next week and since they will be home all day it is the perfect time for a bit of a shake up in the Gregory household. I know they are very capable individuals; they just sometimes need a little bit of gentle persuasion. ;-)

I truly believe that if you make chores fun children are more apt to want to do them. With that in mind, I am going to show my children just how much fun cleaning can be. I will keep you posted on how my little experiment goes. Until then….

Happy Parenting
Monicka