Just Because :)

When I was in my twenties I was lucky enough to be invited to take part in a pilot program, called the "Contemporary Woman Project. A group of about 20 women all single Moms from all walks of life, got together, along with two counselors and spent a weekend in the woods learning how to build trust after a traumatic event. Most of the women had gone through divorce or some other trial and were having problems getting on with their lives.


 Many hours were spent "talking about our feelings" and we also had to work together to make it across a difficult obstacle course and many other challenges. I learned that when I put my mind to it I was actually quite a capable person for I had completely left my comfort zone for a few short days and learned how to rock climb a fifty foot cliff and repel back down. I will never forget the women that I met that weekend. At the end of it we were asked to write little notes about what we thought of each other. I still have those notes and call them my flowers. I read them when I am feeling down and they never fail to cheer me up.

 Think about how you could incorporate a similar idea into your children's lives. How pleased your child would feel if he found a short note in his lunchbox saying "Worlds greatest kid" or a note on the bathroom mirror saying "Smile!! Mommy loves you." Use your imagination and I am sure you can come up with something that will put a smile on your child's face. Make it a daily habit to plant flowers of encouragement where your child is sure to find them. They say it is the little things that count and a child never tires of hearing that he or she is loved and important.

If at first...

I just realized today, that when I complete today's post I will have blogged for sixteen days straight! Not too shabby! It proves that when you set your mind to do something you really want to do, anything is possible! I know this is just a small goal, but the beauty of accomplishing the smaller goals is that you gain the willpower to try something even more ambitious. Your confidence is boosted and you start to believe in yourself again and in your capabilities.

That is why goal setting is so important for children. I always stress the younger the better and there is a good reason for this, as how a child perceives himself starts very early in life. Each new mile stone, such as learning to roll over or crawl teaches a child about their own capabilities. They may fall over but they try again and again and then one day they actually succeed, but without acknowledgement from others for their persistence it really doesn't mean a lot. Research has shown that even if a child is pleased with his achievement, if he doesn't feel loved and appreciated for his efforts, he may still end up with low self esteem.

As adults we like to be acknowledged by the boss for our hard work or by our spouse if we stick to our diet and lose a few pounds, so why wouldn't a child need the same kind of adulation - something to think about!

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Kids Self Esteem and Empathy

How to Build Your Child's Self Esteem Using Empathy

We are often urged to use the basic parenting discipline of re-inforcing "good" behavior with praise, and ignoring "bad" behavior.

The danger with this approach is that it can lead us to ignore one of our childrens' fundamental needs - the need to express all of their emotions and still receive unconditional love from their parents.

It is important that your child is allowed to express his or her anger, frustration and sadness in an accepting environment. OK, you might not like it - wouldn't we all love for our kids to be happy and cheerful 100% of the time? Well humans are not like that, so it's unreasonable to expect our children to be so.

If we force our children, by lack of acceptance or understanding, to suppress so-called "negative" emotions, we only store up emotional trouble for them in the future.

Article on Empathy and Your Child's Self Esteem

Teaching Children to do for Themselves

Having been raised by a Mother who thought it was too much work to allow me to cook or learn other skills because she never had the time. I found that when I finally married at the tender age of twenty that I did not even know how to boil an egg, let alone raise a family. Because of my upbringing I vowed not to follow my Mother's example and while I did let my children cook with me there were still a myriad of things I did not take the time to teach them so they could be more independent, which in turn would help build self-esteem. As I look back on my own childhood I received the message loud and clear that I was not capable enough to learn the things I wanted my Mother to teach me. It took a long time after that to build the confidence needed in order to feel like I was a capable wife and Mother.

After years of trial and error I can now do these things with my eyes closed, but still find myself repeating the same parenting pattern my Mother did from time to time with my own children. I guess what we experience as little children is so engrained in us it is a hard habit to break, but one we must, if we want our kids to become self-reliant and capable human beings.


I have been away from my family for just short of two weeks and I miss them dearly. The time we have been apart has given me a new appreciation for them, and I am sure that my husband is finding that having to take on the role that I am for the time being on hiatus from, is probably a bit of a rude awakening for him as well as the children. I do know that doing too much for my children has been their detriment as before I left for my journey I realized how little they really know how to do on their own. Something I vow to change on my return.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Self Esteem and Goal Setting

When you boost your child's self esteem you are giving her a powerful foundation for goal setting and achievement.
For ideas on building your child's self esteem, you might be interested in this parenting article:
Give Your Child the Gift of Self Esteem

Happy parenting,

Helping your kids to make decisions.

My husband, God love him, has a terrible time making decisions. If there are more than two choices of toothpaste at the store, he will spend at least half an hour reading labels to find the one that does the job. Going shoe shopping with him is a nightmare and I will no longer accompany him on those kinds of shopping trips. I know that his parents made all his decisions for him when he was a child and so now he really does not have the tools needed to make quick decisions.

Because I know how important it is for my kids to learn decision making skills I have always allowed my children to make their own choices. If they make a choice on their own and it is something I do not agree with, I will say so and suggest something similar but much more appropriate. They still get to make the initial decision but sometimes they need a little help. Case in point, my daughter, who has Asperger's, has to decide if she is going to continue with her singing lessons. I know that she is very talented and I would really like her to continue, but the last few times she has been a little ambivelant on whether she will turn up for her lessons. If she has a bad day or is a bit tired she will refuse to go and no amount of cajoling or threatening on my part will change her mind. So I have decided to let her choose and as long as she knows the consequences if she chooses not to continue, I will support her decision. If however she chooses to go she is going to have to put a lot more time into her practices and she will have to go to every lesson and recital unless she is ill of course. When she makes the decision she is going to have to sign a contract with herself and stand by it. While this may sound a little harsh, with my daughter, it is the only way.

I think kids need to also know that their decisions may affect other people. When my daughter doesn't show for her lesson it is a waste of time for her teacher who has to drive quite a distance and this time of year the roads are not the best. She also has to understand that I paid for the lesson in advance and the money is non-refundable, so that is pretty much money out the window.

If you make your kids understand that the decisions they make may affect other people and may have consequences you are giving them the facts that they may need to make an informed decision. While having your children choose what they would like for lunch or what colour socks will match their outfit may seem a bit trivial to you and sometimes it is just easier to choose for them, you need to know that these small choices will increase your child's confidence and self-esteem, while helping to hone their decision making skills, so they will be able to make better decisions when it really counts.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Child self esteem and courage - the teenage years

Building your child's self esteem by teaching him courage: As a Teenager

Sometimes, the bravest thing a teenager can do is ASK FOR HELP. At this stage of development, your child is learning to be self-reliant... and this can be overwhelming at times.

As with the earlier years, teach your child that there are no bad emotions, that it is OK to express his emotions openly in the safety of his relationship with his parents, and that you are there to support and encourage him, and believe in him, as he takes his first tentative steps into the adult world.

Build your teenager's self esteem and confidence by encouraging him to talk to you about his problems and concerns, and then reacting in a calm and reassuring way.

Happy parenting with your teenager!

Cassie

Child self esteem and courage - preteens

Building your child's self esteem by teaching him courage: The Pre-Teen Years

As your child approaches the teenage years, it is important for him to learn that courage sometimes means asking for help.

Help your child to understand that difficult conversations can be important. React calmly to any "bad" things your child admits. It is important to keep the lines of communication open during this crucial time. The trust you build here will pay dividends when you ... soon ... have a teenager on your hands!!!

Happy parenting,

Cassie

Child self esteem and courage - at school

Building your child's self esteem by teaching him courage: At School

When your child is at school, he will encounter many opportunities to practice courage.

* Standing up to read in front of the class
* Taking part in a school play
* Having to admit to a mistake, and apologise to another pupil
* Going on a school trip

... any of these experiences have the potential to be frightening, and you can help your child to be courageous, and build his self esteem, by:

* Always show your child by your words and action that you have lots of confidence that he will do well
* Encourage your child to talk about his emotions, including fear
* Allow your child to cry when he needs to, and provide calm reassurance
* Help your child to find ways to make frightening things seem more manageable

Happy parenting!

Cassie

Child self esteem and courage - at preschool

Building your child's self esteem by teaching him courage: At Preschool

When your child is old enough to enjoy fairy stories, he will encounter the virtue of courage in stories for the first time.

This is a good opportunity to talk about what being brave means. That being brave can mean doing the right thing even though it's hard. That it is OK to be scared, and a courageous person can take action when they are scared - being brave doesn't mean they don't feel scared!

Encourage your child to be free to express all of his emotions, including fear and anxiety, in the safe environment of your presence. Your reaction to mishaps, and to his fears as well as your own, will teach him a lot about courage and will affect his self esteem for the rest of his life.

Happy parenting,

Cassie

Child self esteem and courage - toddlers

Building your child's self esteem by teaching him courage: The Toddler Years

When your baby starts to walk, this is a key stage in learning courage. He will inevitably take a few tumbles, and your reaction can play a big part in what he learns about dealing with mishaps, fear, bravery and risk taking.

It's all about finding a balance. Any extreme is dangerous. For instance, if your toddler falls and hurts himself, and you immediately rush to him in a panic, he will learn to react badly to setbacks.

On the other hand, if you don't react at all when he hurts himself, he learns that his cries for help are ignored and becomese insecure.

The best balance is to react with calm reassurance to any mishaps. When he takes a tumble, pause for a moment rather than reacting instantaneously. If he's not really hurt and looks to you for reassurance, you can simply say cheerfully, "oops! Try again!" On the other hand if he becomes very upset, it's important to react and give him as much comfort as he needs - but in a calm way. Let him cry for a while if he needs to, don't hush him, just be there to let him express his upset in the safe environment of your arms!

Happy self esteem building with your child!

Cassie

Child self esteem and courage

Building a child's self esteem by teaching him courage starts early on. For little babies, courage is, and should be, a foreign concept. At this vulnerable stage, they need to be taken care of by their parents in every way.

But do bear in mind that small babies pick up on YOUR feelings. Practice being brave around your baby. When you visit the doctor, for example, and your baby has to be weighed on cold scales, or has to have an uncomfortable injection, react in a calm, reassuring way to any anxiety the baby expresses.

When you baby cries, it can be an instinctive reaction to try to make him stop as quickly as possible. You need to build up a bit of resistance to this. It is OK for your baby to cry - don't overreact or he will pick up on your feelings of anxiety or panic. Instead, just stay calm and reassuring at all times!

Courage and Self Esteem for kids

Building your kids' self esteem is a really important part of being a parent. Courage is an integral part of self esteem - the ability to push through obstacles and anxiety, to take action EVEN when you're scared.

It's easy to mislead kids about what exactly courage is. The danger is that in trying to teach our child to be courageous, they think that there is something "WRONG" in feeling scared, or expressing fear.

It's a good idea to encourage your kids to say when they are scared, and reassure them that it is OK to tell you that, and find ways to help them take action on their goals and tasks in spite of the fear.

"You've Got to Walk the Talk!

I can remember the first time. I tried to hide the fact that I was smoking from my Mother by putting the cigarette on my stomach and placing a hard cover book that I was reading at the time on top of it, thinking albeit stupidly, that the weight of the book would eventually put the cigarette out. Consequently I burned my stomach quite bad and I still have the scar to this day. My Mother sat there giving me a lecture on smoking and why it was so bad for me when she herself smoked. I accused my Mother of being a hippocrate but she never saw that side of it and grounded me for a month.

Luckily I gave up that discusting habit in my twenties and not one of my four children ended up being a smoker as of yet......

Remember as a parent you have the biggest influence on whether your kids decide to try smoking. Talk to your kids about smoking at a time when you are both comfortable and relaxed such as during a television program or on the ride to soccer practice. Your kids are going to be pressured by their peers to smoke and sometimes it can be a little tempting to try it if the so called "cool kids" are doing it. Remember kids learn best by example and if you tell them that you disapprove of smoking while you are are still smoking, you will be giving them mixed messages. It is also important to keep in mind that kids who feel good about themselves have a better chance of not becoming a smoker especially if they are involved in activities that require cardiovascular fitness like sports or other physical activities.

You can also help your kids to develop their self esteem by letting them know when they do something that pleases you as opposed to when they do something you disagree with. Positive reinforcement is a parenting tecnique that works really well in helping your children develop more self confidence so the next time they are asked to try smoking by the so called cool kids, they can say NO and really mean it!!!

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Think before you speak

During a conversation today about something traumatic that Cassie had experienced recently, it twigged something in me and brought back a memory that I had long since buried, or at least thought I had. The experience happened when I was sixteen and I have never told a living soul about it until today. While I was describing what happened to Cassie I realized that I was starting to feel very sad and even started to cry. It was as if I was reliving the experience all over again and my body was reacting the same way it did almost 30 years ago. Obviously it was hard wired into my psyche and retelling the story brought back not only the memory in vivid detail but also the pain.

Think about this when it comes to your children and how something you can say without thinking can be taken to heart and cause irreparable damage to a small child's self esteem. It can be the start of a seed that is planted and it may grow and fester in your child for years to come, maybe even into their adulthood like my experience did for me.

We may not always be able to protect our child from other people who choose to berate them and whittle down their fragile ego but we can help them to build up a suit of protective armor to help weather the storm of childhood. You have the power as a parent to help instill confidence by the words you choose. Think before you speak to your child or teen and if you happen to say something out of anger, remember nobody is perfect and we all things we wish we could take back. You may not be able to take it back but you can make sure that your child doesn't take it to heart by apologizing and explaining that what you said was spoken out of anger and you are very sorry you said it and you really didn't mean it. You can tell them that you don't like the behavior they chose and that is what caused you to get mad, but you still love them and always will no matter what!! Every child needs to hear those words, so take the time to say it. Don't let your pride get in the way and ruin your chance to change something that in a split second can make a world of difference to how your child learns to feel about himself.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Problems Making Friends

Not all kids are good at making friends and sometimes parents may need to lend a helping hand. Have a talk with your child's teacher and see how your child is with his classmates or better yet ask if you can volunteer as a helper and observe for yourself how your child treats other children and more important how other children treat your child.

Some kids may have low self esteem or are quite shy and may need help developing their social skills. You can talk to your child's school to see if they offer special buddy programs for shy kids or programs to help build your child's self esteem and help to hone their social skills. If they don't offer anything like that they they may know where you can access such things.

It is important to talk to your child and ask how he is feeling with the friendships he has or if he feels like there are problems in that area. Your child usually won't volunteer such information so it is a good idea to ask lots of questions. You can even ask how your child feels about himself. If you have serious concerns about your child's lack of self esteem, it may be a good idea to talk to a professional.

For more ideas on How to Help Your Child Make Friends!

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Self esteem for children

If your child is good at something - and ALL children are! - then it would be a fantastic boost for his self esteem if you were to arrange for him to perform or "show off" in front of an appreciative group.

A local boy in the town of Bicester, near where I live, did just that last week and was reported in the local press. Michael, aged 7, is a talented pianist and was invited to perform at the Bicester senior citizens' club. The old folks loved Michael's performance. The center manager commented, "Michael was just delightful as well as a wonderful musician."

Michael's mother said he loved playing for the people, and commented how good it was for him to have the opportunity to perform in front of a group rather than just at home for his family.

The folks at Bicester center loved Michael's playing so much, they have asked him to come again.

Happy parenting,

Cassie

Build Your Child's Self Esteem - Accepting compliments

A lot of people with low self-esteem have problems graciously accepting compliments. You can help your child develop this skill with a game that is a variation on "Spin the Bottle".

Here's how it works - you sit in a circle and spin a bottle. When the bottle stops, the spinner's job is to say something nice about the person the bottle is pointing at. With very young children you might want to prompt them with one or two little formulas such as "I like [name] because he/she..." or "[name] is really good at..."

The child being complimented just says Thank you (no rebutting of the compliment allowed!) and then it is their turn to spin the bottle.

If the bottle ends up pointing directly back at the spinner, the rules are still the same, the spinner has to say something nice about themselves ("I like me because...", etc) and then they get to spin again.

Happy parenting

Cassie

Build Your Child's Self Esteem

Some ideas to help build your child's self esteem: Know what I'm good at.

Have you noticed how so many of us think we are good at less and less things, the older we get? If you try asking a group of kindergarteners, "Who here can draw?", I'll bet you most of the hands will go up.

Not so likely if you ask the kids at secondary school - and adults?! - even less!

To help conserve this early "optimism", talk to your child often about things he is good at. Help him to understand that it is okay to say he is good at things, and ask him often to think about and talk to you about what he enjoys doing and does well!

Happy parenting,

Cassie