Those Parenting "AHA" Moments

Quick update on my son's first night as mascot for our local hockey team the Silverbacks. First off, I am soooo proud of him for not letting his fears get the best of him. I guess we as parents and caregivers would love to shelter our children from anything that can cause them harm physically or mentally, whether real or not. But... by being too protective we are not doing them any favours. I saw how nervous my son was and I knew inside he was counting the hours as the time to leave for the arena was drawing closer. I suggested a good run on the treadmill to alleviate some of the stress he was feeling and he agreed that was a good idea and it really helped lower his stress level. To make a long story short - it all worked out just fine. Unfortunately, the teams previous mascot didn't show up so my son was not able to shadow him as planned. It looks like we are back to square one, and he will have a bit of training on Wednesday night when the arena won't be as packed. That way when the weekend comes he will be prepared for the larger crowds and have a better idea of what they expect from him.

I also want to blog a bit about the aha moment I had with my daughter yesterday. I had asked her to do something for me and she basically told me to do it myself! Now normally I would have told her to have some respect and would list all the things that I do on a daily basis for her without asking, but something inside me told me to be quiet and bite my tongue, so that is what I did. So although I felt a little hurt I carried on with what I was doing and within about ten minutes my daughter came to me and apologized and asked me what it was I wanted her to do and she did it without grumbling. My goodness!! I was shocked to say the least and couldn't wait till my husband came home to tell him. You see my daughter has Asperger's, which is an Autism Spectrum Disorder and she sometimes has fits of rage and it doesn't take much. She knows how to push my husband's buttons big time and more times than not something trivial will turn into a shouting match. My aha moment was realizing that by taking that extra time and not reacting too quickly my daughter came to her senses - no harm done. As her Mother I always struggle to find the best way to parent my daughter, after all she is twenty so she is considered an adult, but sometimes she acts so young and it makes me realize and there are so many things that she still needs to learn about life, but that I will leave for a later blog.

Sometimes all we need to do is take a deep breath before we react to our children when they are being belligerent or rebellious. I am not saying you should let your children get away with being mouthy or refusing to do something you ask them; rather, let them have a bit of time to cool off and then you can sit down and talk about it when cooler heads prevail. You may be surprised by the difference that will make in your relationship with your child.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

It's a frustrating job,but someone has to do it.

The person that came up with the quote "Raising a teenager is like nailing jello to the wall," was right on the money! Case in point; My daughter Savannah, who is in grade 11 started a work experience program yesterday. Because she has Asperger's her teachers were trying to find something that she would be able to do without having to have too much social contact with the public at the start, but could eventually work her way up to it, if she so desired. We were lucky to find just that kind of position and she was offered a spot a local Tim Horton's to do prep work and a bit of cleaning. It is kind of a coffee/donut/soup and sandwiches kind of place but extremely popular here in Canada. Yesterday was her first official training day and I could not wait until she came home to find out how she did and if she liked the job. I was thrilled when she walked through the door with a huge smile on her beautiful face saying she really liked the people and the day went really well. I was so proud of her and gushed about her to my Mother and my eldest daughter Kayla.

Something must have happened between yesterday and this morning, because my daughter woke up this morning and she was not a happy camper. I tried to cheer her up and commented on how cute her outfit looked on her and no sooner did I get the words out of my mouth she told me in no uncertain terms that it was just a three day work experience and she didn't want to work there. When I tried to question her as to why she changed her mind seemingly overnight, she clammed up and left for her job without saying a word to anyone in the family.

I know my daughter and try and give her as much support as possible because of her difficulty with social aspects, which is very common with kids on the Autism spectrum. The frustrating part of this is that she basically has been given a chance to work in a place where they are willing to be patient with her training as the owner's nephew also has an Autism Spectrum disorder. They are open to hiring special needs teenagers in order to give them a chance to get some real experience in the work force. My question is how to explain to my daughter what a great opportunity this is without making it sound like they feel sorry for her. She had this silly idea in her head just before the New Year, that the only reason anyone would want to talk to her was because they pitied her because of her Asperger's. Working with her speech therapist we were finally able to convince her that if someone spoke to her it was because they wanted to, not because they felt sorry for her. She seemed to finally get the message loud and clear and was starting to acknowledge her peers if they said hi to her, whereas before she would simply ignore tham, which was not gaining her any favor in their eyes. Teaching my daughter social skills has been a very long process and I was hoping that she could use this opportunity to meet new people and even make a few friends. Now this is not too be. I know my daughter and she can be extremely stubborn once she makes a decision about anything.

My daughter can be very frustrating at times like all teenagers, but I have to give her a little more slack than with my other children because of her struggles. With my daughter you cannot get upset with her because she will go from 0 to 100 in one second flat and lose her cool with anyone who tries to tell her she is not making a sound decision. She will then shut off sometimes for days and go into her own little world and refuse to speak to anyone. What is a parent to do? Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. I can hope she will come to the realization all on her own that she has been given an awesome opportunity and will want to continue working for this business on a long term basis, but I know my daughter and I will not hold my breath. All I can do is support whatever decision she makes whether I agree with it or not. It is not easy being the parent of a teenager at the best of times, but raising a teenager who has Asperger's can be twice as frustrating, take my word for it. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter with all my heart and would not want to change her for the world because she is my greatest teacher and my angel on earth and well worth any extra effort it may take to parent her.

Have you hugged your teen today???

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Helping your kids to make decisions.

My husband, God love him, has a terrible time making decisions. If there are more than two choices of toothpaste at the store, he will spend at least half an hour reading labels to find the one that does the job. Going shoe shopping with him is a nightmare and I will no longer accompany him on those kinds of shopping trips. I know that his parents made all his decisions for him when he was a child and so now he really does not have the tools needed to make quick decisions.

Because I know how important it is for my kids to learn decision making skills I have always allowed my children to make their own choices. If they make a choice on their own and it is something I do not agree with, I will say so and suggest something similar but much more appropriate. They still get to make the initial decision but sometimes they need a little help. Case in point, my daughter, who has Asperger's, has to decide if she is going to continue with her singing lessons. I know that she is very talented and I would really like her to continue, but the last few times she has been a little ambivelant on whether she will turn up for her lessons. If she has a bad day or is a bit tired she will refuse to go and no amount of cajoling or threatening on my part will change her mind. So I have decided to let her choose and as long as she knows the consequences if she chooses not to continue, I will support her decision. If however she chooses to go she is going to have to put a lot more time into her practices and she will have to go to every lesson and recital unless she is ill of course. When she makes the decision she is going to have to sign a contract with herself and stand by it. While this may sound a little harsh, with my daughter, it is the only way.

I think kids need to also know that their decisions may affect other people. When my daughter doesn't show for her lesson it is a waste of time for her teacher who has to drive quite a distance and this time of year the roads are not the best. She also has to understand that I paid for the lesson in advance and the money is non-refundable, so that is pretty much money out the window.

If you make your kids understand that the decisions they make may affect other people and may have consequences you are giving them the facts that they may need to make an informed decision. While having your children choose what they would like for lunch or what colour socks will match their outfit may seem a bit trivial to you and sometimes it is just easier to choose for them, you need to know that these small choices will increase your child's confidence and self-esteem, while helping to hone their decision making skills, so they will be able to make better decisions when it really counts.

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Let your kids work it out.

I have blogged many times about my daughter,Savannah, who has Asperger's. She is a typical 16- year- old who just wants to make friends and fit in with everyone else, but because of this disorder social interactions are quite difficult for her. With the help of her speech language pathologist, she was introduced to a girl who was also having problems making friends, and they really hit it off. They had arranged a sleepover on Saturday and seemed to be getting along pretty well until late evening when the girl announced that she didn't want to stay any longer and wanted to go home. We tried to get a hold of her Mother to no avail and my husband even drove her home but she didn't have a key so he brought her back to our house. I felt really bad for her because I could tell she was quite anxious and I did not have a clue what happened to cause this problem. My daughter didn't want to talk about it and so I was totally in the dark. Finally I suggested that they talk about it and try and sort things out, but the girl said when she got upset she tended to stutter and so I recommended that one them use my laptop and the other one use the family computer, and chat on msn. They agreed to try that and I decided to leave them to it and go to bed. About an hour later I heard them laughing and they seemed to be having a great time. The girl's Mother came to pick her up after all, but she left in good spirits and the girls even made plans to play badminton together this Tuesday.

Sometimes we need to let our kids work things out on their own. I tried my best to get my daughter and her friend to talk about things, but that was pretty much all I could do. They both refused to talk to me and so my hands were basically tied. By leaving them alone and giving them some privacy they were able to actually work it out, first on msn through instant messaging and then a bit later, they actually spoke to each other and talked about the conflict they were having. I am still not sure what the problem was as neither one would tell me anything but the bottom line is they worked it out and without my intervention. I have learned a great lesson from this and know that when problems crop up in the future I am going to give my kids a bit of time to sort it out for themselves.

We love our kids and hate to see them hurt, so it is only natural that we want to solve their problems for them. In doing this our children do not learn to develop problem solving skills. If we give our kids the time and space to work it out on their own, more times than not they will come up with a solution. If the problem is so serious that they cannot handle it on their own, they know that they can come to us for love and support. Now isn't that what positive parenting is all about? : -)

Happy Parenting,

Monicka

Happy Birthday Sweet Sixteen

It is so hard to believe that my little girl is turning sixteen today. I have watched her grow into a a beautiful (inside and out) caring and talented young person. Life has not always been easy for her because of her Aspergers but she perseveres and tries to do her best no matter what.

She will be going into grade eleven and I know she is feeling a bit stressed about how she is going to fit in with the other students. Her teachers have always been supportive although she still has problems making friends with the other students. Luckily she has never been bullied by any of her classmates and they are friendly to a point but by the same token they do not reach out to her in friendship. She has been hurt by a so-called friend in the past and so is very wary about letting her guard down.

My biggest hope for her as she enters a new school year is that people will see her in a new light and appreciate her for the awesome person that she is. She has a huge heart and I know she would be a loyal and caring friend to anyone who gave her a chance.

Happy Birthday Sweet Savannah I am very proud to call you my daughter.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Her First Job

My fifteen-year-old daughter, who has Asperger's started her new job today. She is working in an orchard thinning apples. We walked to work together and it was quite a hike but she didn't complain one iota. I told her she would have to get her Dad to take her before he goes to work and she could walk home after work and she seemed to like that idea. I watched as she handed her resume to her new employer and he explained what the job entailed and she looked into his eyes to show him she was really listening. I know how hard that is for her and my heart swelled with pride. He then showed her how the apples had to be five inches apart and if they were too close together she was to pick the smallest one and leave on the stem if she could. I stayed for awhile watching her as she followed his instructions and then finally feeling like she would be OK left her to her duties and made the long trek back home.

She came home at around 12:30 with a big grin on her face looking no worse for wear and showed me how dirty her hands were. My daughter is a avid handwasher so this struck me as pretty funny that she didn't wash her hands as soon as she came home, but she said it was a dirty job and my hands got dirty, no big deal. Was this my real daughter or had she been replaced???

Later I peeked into her room to check on her and she was fast asleep, looking like the angel she is. She worked hard today and I can tell that she is just as proud of herself as I am of her. She will go back to work at the orchard on Tuesday with a new found confidence for having mastered a new skill, my little girl is growing up.....sigh.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

What my Daughter means to me

Many times I have blogged about my Aspergian daughter Savannah. Even before she was diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder, I knew in my heart that something was not quite right, but by the same token I loved her with all of my heart and hoped she would never have to to be labelled. She is very special young lady and brings a lot of joy to all who take the time to get to know her. I will always think of her as a gift and I wouldn't want to change her one iota.

I was overjoyed to find a website where parents and caregivers can talk about their own kids on the spectrum and what they love about them. I thought it was amazing and wanted to share it with you. A gift of Love from the Autism Community
go down the page until you get to the article The Joy of Autism a Mother's Day Gift and then click on collection of stories, poems, photos, and appreciations

All the best

Monicka

Children, school and changes

Is Change Always Good Thing??

I am sure we have all heard the saying that “Change is as good as a rest or even a vacation”, but with an impending move looming on the horizon, I am wondering if a change of location is really going to be such a positive experience. For one, my daughter Savannah has been in the same school district since she was eight- years- old and being an Aspergian, any kind of change is especially difficult for her. I can remember the first time we had our dog Rocky trimmed, and she got extremely upset because he didn’t look the same as when she left that morning. She has finally accepted that Rocky will have his regular haircuts, but will she be able to accept a new school and new faces as readily?

The kids from the school that she now attends have not been the friendliest but she has developed relationships with a few of them and has always had amazing support from her teachers. I am concerned that this will all change when we move to the new place. Luckily, she will still be able to continue working with Nora, her speech language pathologist because she is willing to commute to the new school. I have also been assured that the new school is very supportive and being more of a farming community the kids hopefully will be a bit friendlier than where we are now which tends to be a bit cliquey.

I guess time will tell and Savannah has finally accepted the fact that we have to move due to her Dad’s new job; but it took quite awhile to convince her that it wasn’t going to be the end of the world. My dilemma as her Mother is that I always wanted things to be as stress free as possible for my daughter but I know that is crazy. Stress is a part of life and she has to learn to deal with it just like everyone else. All I can do is try and be as supportive as possible while she goes through this major upheaval and hope for the best. Who knows maybe she will even like it there…..here’s hoping. :- )

All the best

Monicka

Goals

Happy Wednesday Everyone!!

My daughter Savannah, who has Asperger’s, came home from school yesterday with a plan to save for a laptop computer. She already has a computer that works just fine, but decided that having a laptop would be so much better. I told her if she saved for half of it than maybe her Dad and her Grandparents and I would contribute the other half. I was surprised when she adamantly said, "No, I want to do this all on my own without any help!!!"

Frankly, I am a bit surprised that she wanted to do this all on her own. It just shows that she is growing up right before my eyes and is becoming quite the independent young lady. In the past she was not all that goal oriented, so this is a pleasant change.

Savannah's plan is to get a part time job this summer and also do extra chores in order to earn a little more for her allowance. One thing about my fifteen-year-old daughter that hasn't changed, is her determination. When Savannah makes up her mind to do something, she usually does it. Her little brother is all for her having a new computer and is cheering on her efforts, especially since he will be getting her old computer. :-)

Happy Parenting

Monicka

The Importance of Routine

The Importance of Routine

In the past my daughter Savannah, who has Asperger's, did not care much about her personal hygiene. Having a shower and washing her hair on a regular basis was not a huge priority for her. Most younger children and teens on the spectrum do not independently learn what they need to know about hygiene and self-care; so it is important as a parent to teach your child as early as possible the importance of keeping clean and tidy. For my daughter even brushing her hair was a struggle and she would get frustrated and not want to do it. Now that she is fifteen she has made incredible progress in all of these areas. The most important factor was not so much recognizing when she needed a shower or to wash her hair but rather to decide that she will shower every second day regardless of whether she needed one or not. This worked wonderfully and she would set her alarm for 6:30 AM learning from trial and error how much extra time she would need to comb out and dry her hair so as not to be late for school. This was not something that happened overnight and we all encouraged her by telling her how well she was doing with her hygiene routine.

About a week ago her Father in one of his bad moods asked Savannah if she could possible have her shower the night before school because the running of water that early in the morning was waking him up and he found it hard to go back to sleep. Luckily, I was in the room at the time and promptly set him straight on how important it was that Savannah has an established routine. I sometimes have to remind him that she has Asperger's and routine is very important to her. Anything that throws her out of whack such as choosing a different day to shower when she has kept to a strict every second day pattern would be very difficult for her and she could start to regress. After that he apologized to her and told her to shower whenever she wanted.

As her Mother and her strongest advocate I know that we all have to make sacrifices sometimes when it comes to Savannah. Whether it is putting up with early morning showers or biting our tongue when she may say something rude to us without meaning it to be. She is honest to a fault and that is one of the qualities I wouldn't want to change about her. She will learn in time and with practice that sometimes she needs to take the time to think, before blurting out that someone is a bit of a pig if they eat too much cake or even better find a nicer way to say it. As I have told her many times, it is not what you say, but how you say it.

All the best

Monicka

Music as Therapy

My daughter Savannah, who has Asperger’s, has always shown a keen interest in music. Even before she could talk she could sing the Barney song "I Love you" verbatim and in perfect pitch. In fact she would sometimes sing instead of cry when she was injured.

Now that she is a teenager, music is still an integral part of her life. Whether it is listening to her mp3 player or singing her heart out when she is alone in her room with the door closed. On many occasions I will find her in her closet with a blanket pulled over her head listening to music on her headphones, oblivious to the world. Art and music are the two things that help her decompress so it is important that she has that time to herself. I find her much easier to deal with if I give her the space she needs before trying to find out what has stressed her out.


All the best

Monicka

Exercise and Mood

In Friday's blog I touched a bit on depression and Autism. Since my daughter, who has Asperger's, tends to suffer from depression from time to time I have found that if I can get her to have a workout it really helps her immensely. I have definitely noticed that when she has regular physical activity her mood tends to be more even. Knowing this I try to keep her involved in extra curricular activities such as soccer or badminton.

Interestingly enough I found this article that supports vigorous physical exercise for kids with autism or autism related conditions.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Children and Medication "Do the Research"

The updated Kidsgoals website has been around for over a year now and it always amazes me when we get emails with comments and suggestions from our readers. You mean people are actually reading what we write? We do not take your comments lightly and will do our best to take your suggestions under consideration. One email from a lady who is upset because her Dr. wanted to put her son on Ritalin after he was diagnosed with ADHD in children really hit home to me. She wanted to know if we had any information of alternative methods that she could try before she agreed to put her son on medication. I remember when my sons' Dr. suggested that I put him on anti depressants to help with his social anxiety. I was ready to try anything to help my son, but my son, who has Asperger's, would have no part of it. He said he would try it on his own for awhile and if things didn't improve he might give the pills a go. Interestingly enough he never did go on the medication.

I honestly do believe parents need to do the research before they agree to put their kids on any medication. We so want to believe that our Dr's have all the answers but experience has made me believe otherwise. We as parents are the ones who need to be advocates for our children and find out everything about the medication your Dr. may suggest as well as other alternative resources. If we don't look out for the best interest of our children who will?

Happy Parenting,
 KidsGoals

Depression and Autism

Today is a very sad day for me. After having my friend Cassie here for the last few weeks I woke up this morning feeling like something was missing. Our friendship has become such an important part of my day and having her here in my country and my home was very special for me. I am literally having Cassie withdrawal. So yes I am a bit sad but I know that by tomorrow or Sunday I will be back to my old self. My daughter, who has Asperger's, sometimes, suffers from depression and I keep a close eye on her for any red flags. A bad day at school can sometimes exacerbate into full blown depression in the blink of an eye so if she seems like she is becoming withdrawn and spending a bit too much time in her room I make sure to check in with her to see what is going on. It is sometimes like pulling teeth to get her to talk about it but with a bit of encouragement or a game of hangman she will eventually tell me.


Depression is very common in autism and Asperger’s kids. Social withdrawal, lack of appetite and sleep disturbance is common in children on the spectrum and are also the core symptoms of depression, the disease can sometimes go undiagnosed and untreated. If you have any concerns your child may be depressed it is a good idea to talk to a professional as soon as possible.

All the best

Monicka

A Little Help From a Friend

Happy Wednesday Everyone

My Daughter who has Asperger's, works with a very special lady (Nora) who is not only a speech language pathologist but has also become a very good friend to our family. My daughter has worked with her since she was in grade school and they have a developed a closeness that has been very beneficial to my daughter's growth.

We usually have meetings with her on a bi-weekly basis and I find that I really benefit from the sessions too. She has pointed many things out to me that I have had to change in dealing with my daughter. For instance she told me that kids on the spectrum may take a little longer to answer questions. I would answer the questions for my daughter if she took a little too much time, thinking she was struggling, but in truth Nora advised me to give her more time and she will answer it herself. Nora was right on the money!! Cassie also made a suggestion that she felt would help my daughter when it came to helping her concentrate on her homework and I have every intention of implementing her idea.

If it takes a village to raise a child than we should always be open to suggestions from others without feeling offended. Others may see things that we miss and I know that I DO NOT have all the answers. Parenting at best is trial and error and a little helping hand from time to time is very much appreciated.

Happy Parenting

Monicka

Father Daughter Bonding

Happy Tuesday Everyone

With the start of the Stanley Cup playoffs last week I have pretty much become a hockey widow and it is nice to have Cassie here to keep me company. As with the majority of men in Canada the playoffs seems to be the topic of conversation for my husband lately especially since his beloved Canucks are doing so well. I found it rather interesting that my daughter has discovered a love for hockey too. It warms my heart to see her sitting beside her Dad on the couch cheering on their favourite team. It is especially interesting since my ten-year-old son has shown no interest in watching it at all.

I have found in the past that the relationship my daughter, who has Asperger’s, has with her Father has been strained at best. They seem to be able to push each other’s buttons and many times he will send her to her room when they have a disagreement about something. He has not yet developed the patience he needs to have when dealing with her many moods. I am hoping that the bonding in front of the television that they have been doing lately is a start of something special. I have always felt like they do not have the closeness that they should have between a Father and daughter and I am usually the one she will come to if she has a problem she needs help with. Hopefully he will start to really appreciate what a great kid she really is.

Happy Parenting
Monicka

Siblings and Kids on the Autism Spectrum

Happy Sunday Everyone
It is a beautiful sunny day and Cassie and I just returned from a nice walk with the dog. Cassie is doing really well jet lag wise and seems happy and relaxed. I want this time for her to be an enjoyable experience so she will want to come back; or better yet not want to leave. :- )

My friendship with Cassie is so important to me and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. Children who are on the Autism spectrum may have problems developing such friendships and my fondest hope is that one day my daughter who has Asperger's (a pervasive development disorder related to Autism) will find such a friend. In the interim she has developed a bit of a friendship with an older girl from high school but it is not the kind of friendship that will probably last. For one, her friend will be graduating this June and she will be on her way to independence while my daughter will be in the school system for a few more years yet.

For my daughter the relationship she has with her younger brother is very important to her. There is a five-year difference but they seem to really enjoy each other’s company and do a lot of things together. I think she would be a very lonely child without her little brother. For kids on the spectrum siblings play a huge part in their social development and sometimes the younger child will develop a protective role and look out for their elder sibling. My son for instance will stick up for his sister if he feels like she is being taken advantage of.

All the best

Monicka

When You Know Better

When my youngest daughter was finally diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome at the age of thirteen, my first initial reaction was relief. Not because I wanted her to have a label pinned to her for the rest of her life, but more so because I finally had somewhere to turn. I had always suspected my daughter was not quite like other children but until the diagnosis I did not have a clue how to parent her. Suffice to say there were times when I just thought she was being stubborn and was not as patient and loving, as I should have been. Having never dealt with this in my other children it was all trial and error for me and I regret to say I did not always do the right thing when it came to my daughter.

The night of the diagnosis, I wept uncontrollably and felt totally inadequate as a parent. What if I did the wrong thing and didn’t help her to develop to her highest potential? I knew our lives would never be the same and I had to learn new ways to parent her in order to help her thrive.

This was all a bit daunting and a huge responsibility but I found so much support and information available to me that I knew in my heart we were going to be OK. I realized is better to know than to be in the dark when it comes to having your child diagnosed with Autism or an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

My daughter at fifteen is thriving and we are developing a great relationship. There are still days when I catch myself and have to reevaluate how I communicate with her because she is a teenager and that in itself has its challenges.

My advice to any parents who have children who have Autism or fall in the Autism spectrum is to learn everything you can. There are special programs that will help your child and also a lot of support for you and your family. To quote Maya Angelou, “When you know better, you do better.” Knowing is half the battle and will help ensure that you do the very best for your child.

Happy Parenting
Monicka

Theme for April

April is National Autism Awareness Month (NAAM)—an awareness initiative established in 1972 by the Autism Society of America (ASA)—and ASA’s national headquarters and its network of nearly 200 local chapters across the nation are preparing to increase autism awareness throughout the month.

In support of this great cause the theme for the blogs and newsletters for the month of April will be concerning Autism and Autism Spectrum disorders. Autism affects me on a personal level because my now fifteen-year-old daughter, was diagnosed with the Autism Spectrum Disorder,P.D.D./N.O.S / Asperger's, when she was 13.

Cassie and I would love to hear from any of the other Mom's or Dads out there whose children are affected by Autism or Autism Spectrum disorders.

All the best!!!

Happy Parenting