Help!! My child hits other children!!

Dear Monicka

The Kidsgoals newsletter is really helping me to deal with my children.
Your tips are really great .

I have a son who is 2 and half years old and has got in to the habit of
hitting others . I am a working woman and I am not able to spend time with him, to
understand his problem.


Can you please give me advice on how to deal with him?????

Regards

S


Dear S

Thank you so much for your wonderful comments about kidsgoals. Cassie and I
are always thrilled to hear from our readers.

I think your son is starting to discover his power and by hitting other
people he is trying to see what kind of reaction he can get. He is testing
the waters to see how others will react when he hits them. Because children
your son's age do not understand that other people may have other ideas
about his experimenting. He thinks that if he enjoys hitting, than everyone
else must be thrilled about it also. After all the only concept he has right
now is that he understands how he feels and not anyone else as they have yet to develope empathy.

Toddlers are totally fascinated when they hit and cause someone to cry or watch you get
upset. They get a reaction even if it is not always a positive one and they
may test it again and again to see if they can get the same result.
Children like to do things over and over in order to cause a predictable
outcome. Think of the child in the high chair that will drop his cup on the
floor many many times and watch you pick it up over and over again and
totally delight in the control he has over the outcome. That kind of gives
you an idea why any child will continue to hit.

He is learning as he goes, but sometimes it make take a little while to get
the message that even though he is enjoying hitting, other people are not so
happy about it. It can take a bit of time as there is a lot to learn when it
comes to understanding what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior and
how other people are feeling. Keep in mind that your son is learning how to
communicate with his peers. Being a parent you need to be as supportive and
understanding as possible while he is going through this development stage.

It is good to offer another way to him when he hits. Because he is trying to
communicate and get his point across you can take him aside and show him
gently that there is a better way. You can phrase it to him in a simple way
such as if he hits because he wants a toy another child has to say, "toy
please" or some other way he understands depending on your son's vocabulary.

Try and comfort whoever he hits and maybe have your child help by getting a
cold cloth or ice pack and hold it to the injured area so he sees that he
made an owie or boo boo (or whatever word you use with him when he is
injured) and it hurt and he needs to help the other child feel better.
Always tell him that he hurt someone and they are crying because of what he
did and also that they are not happy.

If possible try and anticipate when he is about to hit someone by making
sure whoever is watching him is keeping a watchful eye on him. If you can
stop the behavior in its tracks before the damage is done and show him
alternative ways to get his message across he will learn a lot quicker.

Hope that helps

Cheers, Monicka

Dear Frustrated Mom

This letter came from a lady who really needed our help. She had struck her child and felt awful for doing it. Unfortunately this happens more often than not and while no one should ever strike a child, no parent is perfect but if you have problems controlling your anger around your child it is important to get help IMMEDIATELY!!

Hi.

I read about your site and subscribe to your newsletter.
My child does not listen. He is 8 years old. He wakes up late for school, I have to remind him to do almost everything and repeat instructions to him all the time.
He is a pleasant child but just NEVER listens and NEVER follows through with things unless he is told over and over again.
This morning, I slapped him across the face because I was so angry with him and he was left with a small blood nose. I feel awful and feel like the worst parent. what can I do to help myself and him. How can I be a better parent.
Please help.
I never want to hit him or yell at him again.

Dear Frustrated Mom

First of all I want you to take a few deep breaths and then tell yourself that you are not a bad parent but there are much better ways to deal with your son and when you know better you will do better. Forgive yourself and lets try a new approach with your eight –year- old. I want you to promise me that if it ever gets so bad that you feel like you might strike your son that you will walk away, leave the room and compose yourself for however long it takes until your anger has lessened to the point that you can face your boy with a level head. That said, let’s talk about what else you can do.

Being a Mom is not an easy job at the best of times and I am not going to offer you a quick solution as your child is not going to change overnight but if you follow my advice, you will soon find that your child has changed his behavior and for the better. It will be a bit of work but well worth it and the bonus is you will have a much better relationship with your child so it is a win/ win all around.

Your child is misbehaving and refusing to listen because he wants to get your attention and it doesn’t matter if it is positive or negative to him your attention is like a gift and he will use whatever means he has to make sure he gets enough of it. Because any attention is better than no attention from you, your son is not listening to you when you ask nicely time and time again. When you are finally at the end of your rope and you start to yell and get excited, he thinks Aha! Now I have Mom's undivided attention and this is how I get it. So what you have to do is show him that when he misbehaves he will not get the attention he craves so desperately from you. Instead, look for the times when he is being a good boy and lavish attention on him. Praise him for getting dressed or hanging up his coat without being asked. Hug him
and say, "You are an awesome kid for hanging up your coat, thank you so
much!!!" He doesn't have to do anything monumental to get your praise and
hugs, anything small will do and make sure he knows you are sincere.

Please keep in mind that this is going to take a bit of extra work on
your part because you have to constantly be aware of what your child is
doing. You will be surprised how fast your boy will clue in that when he
is good he gets lots of attention and hugs and when he misbehaves, not so
much. When his behavior is bad there must be a consequence, such as a
favourite toy or video game taken away for a day or he can't watch
television or play with his friend. It has to be something he will really
miss. At your child's age time outs don't seem to work. I find that by
losing something my children really likes for a bit they get the message
loud and clear that the behavior will NOT be tolerated and there will be
a consequence to their action. You must be firm and look them in the eye
but do not under any circumstances get excited or upset and yell. Use a
tone of voice that says you mean what you say and follow through on your
promise. DONOT let him talk you out of losing the privilege even if he
says he promises to do better if you don't take his toy or game or
whatever away. Make sure you walk the talk or he will learn how to
manipulate you and totally lose respect for you. You are his parent and
you are here to teach him that he will be rewarded for good behavior and
his bad behavior will have a consequence. It is important that you say
you are not pleased with the behavior but you still love him and NEVER call
him a bad boy. This method is called Positive Reinforcement and it works
like a charm if you work it. The change will not happen overnight but if
you are consistent you will be surprised at how quickly your son's
behavior will change for the better.

Please talk to a professional if you feel that your anger is getting the best of you. No one will think badly of you, in fact they will commend you for wanting to do what is best for your son. No parent is perfect and we all do things that we may regret later when it comes to our children. Try and spend some quality time with your child even if it is only ten minutes a day if it is quality that is what counts.

I really appreciate your email and I hope this helps. Cassie and I have
written two articles on the kidsgoals website that will give you even more
information about discipline and the positive reinforcement technique one
is called Effective Loving Discipline and the other one is Positive
Reinforcement.

Hope that helps. Keep in touch and let us know how it all works out for you.
All the best.

Happy Parenting :-)

Monicka

Smacking Children??

Here in the UK, government ministers are going to review our current laws regarding smacking children. The current legislation, which has been in place since January 2005, states that "mild smacking" is allowed, but any hitting which causes visible damage to a child, such as bruising or grazing, is punishable (I should hope so!!!)

It is good news that the government is committed enough to the welfare of our children to review the law on this important issue - one of the ways they will be progressing it is via a survey for parents.

I certainly do not think that physical violence towards a child can ever be justified or condoned. There are much better ways to help a child learn positive behavior patterns, and much more appropriate ways to express loving discipline. However I do suspect that a law that bans smacking will not have an awful lot in the way of positive impact - as my step-daughter Sam commented darkly when she read the article about this in the paper, "No-one knows what goes on behind closed doors!"

Sadly, people who abuse children are already committing illegal acts - another law for them to break is unlikely to make much difference.

cyberhugs,

Cassie

Loving, Effective Discipline

A New Way of Thinking

When I find a great idea it always makes me want to share it; so with that in mind here is an awesome way to get your kids to comply without a real punishment. Keep in mind; this is not for the little ones but for older children who require less supervision.

I am sure you have all heard about using "time out" as a means of discipline for children when they are misbehaving; but here is a bit of a slant on the old standby. Instead of making your kids take a time out when they are misbehaving, you be the one to take the time out. Here is the scenario. You are in the kitchen and dinner is late and you are frustrated because your boys are battling out over something silly and refuse to stop. Say to them "OK, I am going to leave the two of you to work this out in a civilized manner. When you can act like the children I know and love, I will be in my room come up and let me know, and I will commence with making dinner."

What an awesome, loving way to get your point across without having to punish your children. Not to mention you get a breather yourself. It is a win/win if you ask me. I am going to try it on my two the first chance I get.

Happy Parenting